It is often said that good things come in threes but, in a recent announcement, it may be that they come in eights. World-renowned author J.K. Rowling has recently announced that she will be expanding her widely popular Harry Potter series with her new book titled, Harry Potter and the Midlife Crisis.

     “The story will focus on Harry in his middle-aged life,” Rowling said. “I really wanted to portray Harry in a way we’ve never seen before: depressed, balding and slightly obese.” 

     Outcries from fans have been both positive and negative, some wanting the series to remain “untouched” while others have a desperate, almost frightening need to see more of their favorite characters.

     “I will be in the front of the line at the midnight release,” Erin Priddy, junior, said. “I knew Rowling couldn’t hold out for long. Not with all the hunger strikes and fan fictions left on her doorstep.”

     However, the negative responses have been equally virulent.

     “This is a disgrace,” Amy Feieresiel, senior said. “There is no room in my home-made shrine for an eighth book. I can’t believe Rowling would do this to all her loyal fans.” 

     The book is set to be released July 31, in honor of Harry Potter’s birthday. Police hope to keep the death toll of local Midnight release parties to a minimum.

     “If you find yourself on the ground, be sure to protect your face and ribs with your arms,” Zachary Warren, senior said. “I’ve lost some good friends to trampling at these releases; it’s worth it though. You have to be willing to suffer for what’s really important.”

     Hopefully a new addition to the successful series will resonate with fans old and new, continuing to inspire and keep closet nerds hidden a little bit longer.

*This story ran in the April Fool’s issue and is a joke article