Cockroach Chronicles: Day 1

Jordy Peterson, Reporter

You’ve most definitely seen me. You leer in disgust; you refuse to use the school bathrooms in fear of my presence. But fear not, I mean you no harm. I am only here to observe the lives of Cedar Park students from the inside- of the restrooms. I am a cockroach. And I have most definitely seen you.

Day 1:

Cedric here. Today was quite an experience. Three girls wearing Birkenstocks stomped on my head. How is it that the entire Cedar Park female population owns a pair of these leather sandals? To begin, I was simply minding my own business, just looking for a small snack to munch on while the crowds of students were in class, as I was rather bored. I was starving, even some flaming hot Cheetos would’ve stifled my hunger. It can be quite difficult to find a five course meal in the ceiling tiles of a public school, unfortunately. I scurried down from my humble home in the ceiling tiles because I had smelled a delicious ham sandwich hidden in a backpack. The girls were taking selfies in the dirty bathroom mirror, and using the wretched dog filters from Snapchat. Ew. Let’s be honest here- a cockroach filter would be much more popular, considering the fact that dogs are disgusting. It never made sense to me why humans had dogs and cats as pets, instead of cockroaches. But never mind that. I scuttled across the bathroom tiles in the pursuit that I could join in on this group picture. One second, I need to adjust my antenna. One of the females clutched her beloved Yeti cup and screamed at the top of her lungs. I can’t blame her, school bathrooms aren’t exactly the cleanest places in the world. I was looking around, confused, to get a glimpse at what this girl was yelling at, when one of her friends kicked me, sending me flying across the restroom. Birkenstock leather does not feel very smooth when you’re being flung at 90 miles an hour, let me tell you. And I was absolutely appalled. All I wanted was to be in the group picture, or even get a crumb of that delicious sandwich I smelled. I almost offered for them to stick around for a little bit, maybe pull out a deck of cards? But no. Nonetheless, my hospitality was obviously declined, and rather rudely, as the friends hurried out the door, retching in revulsion at my presence. While they hasten to English class, I suppose I shall keep myself busy in finding that five course meal up here. I’ll keep you updated.


Cedric the Cockroach