Extinction of snowmen

Hannah Jane DeCiutiis

     The planet witnessed the demise of the dwarf elephant over two million years ago, the dodo bird in the 17th century, and the Carolina parakeet in 1918. Now in Cedar Park, Texas, the snowman too is fully extinct.

     The snowman, a majestic and docile creature, is a familiar holiday image to most Americans. With a body constructed entirely out of snow and a goofy, coal-lump smile stuck underneath its endearingly over-sized carrot nose, it is difficult to resist the charms of the snowman.

     Documentaries of noted snowmen, such as Jack Frost, depict the species to be generally good-willed and full of holiday cheer, exhibiting affection for humans and having a non-violent nature.

     “The snowmen are just so nice to have around. You can’t be glum when you see that cheery smile,” Sally Silverbells, senior, said.

     However, due to the composition of the snowman’s body, only a very limited range of climates can become home to the revered species. Though the dead winters of Cedar Park may be able to sustain smaller versions of these life forms for short periods of time, the general climate has proved detrimental to their overall reproduction rate, particularly in the age of ecological stressors such as global warming.

     “I come from up north in Michigan. When I moved down here and found out that the population of snowmen had disappeared in the area, I didn’t know what to do. I cried myself to sleep for weeks,” Nancy Noel, junior, said.

     The extinction of the snowman species in Cedar Park, however, has not come without illicit schemes for profit. There have been several reports of underground snowmen breeding facilities. These facilities are of such low moral standards that they do not even make the snowmen out of real snow; plastic and Styrofoam are the main ingredients in this dastardly scheme. The snowman is then dressed accordingly in various brightly colored scarves and hats and sold in mass numbers to the general public during the holiday season.

     These weak substitutes for the true nobility of a purely-bred snowman have become commonplace in many American homes despite their contemptible origins. They are displayed throughout the holiday season, and afterward stored in an attic or garage for the rest of the year (condemned to months of isolation).

     “It’s gross. These awful people are trying to make money off of those of us who are in mourning for the species,” Annabell Snow-Angel, senior, said.

     I feel it is my duty to warn you, as readers, about the true nature of these false snowmen and the facilities from whence they come. I must implore you, as consumers, not to be fooled by the warm, cheery feelings these mannequins may give you, and to refrain from purchasing them, lest you disturb the memory of the snowman species.

     It is a sad truth that Cedar Park will no longer witness the grandeur that is the population of snowmen, but you can do your part to salvage their memory in our hearts; should you be present on an inevitable (yet highly anticipated) ice day, take a few minutes out of your cocoa-drinking and “snowball” fighting to remember the snowmen. In fact, if you can gather enough ice and snow, try to build one. If anything, your efforts will be in homage to what will surely be a well-missed species.