Amy Oakes Senior Columns


     Once upon a time there lived a shy, but beautiful, princess named Amy. She was adored by her parents, trusted by her friends, and companion to all the adorable little forest creatures that eventually became road kill as construction in her small city of Cedar Park tore down the woods behind her house. The young princess had not a care in the world.

     However, one day, Princess Amy was forced to undertake a perilous quest whose reward she did not know. She would have to descend into the darkest, most treacherous depths of the dungeon-like halls of High School. Although the princess was excited to prove her worth to her people, secretly she was terrified of the monstrosities she knew she would face; drugs, alcohol, sex, AP courses, and worst of all, the inevitable senior project.

     In August, the child princess was so sick with worry that she fainted and was taken to the Royal Family Physician. After an embarrassing grilling by the doctor to determine if she was pregnant or sexually active (which, for your information, the chaste young princess most certainly was not), the princess returned to her castle humiliated. She had been defeated and she hadn’t even faced the danger yet.

     Ashamed of her cowardice, the little princess took the few days she needed to recover and the next week she got out of her mom’s car in the parent-drop off lane with her head held high. Princess Amy tentatively walked through the giant doors at the entrance of the school, armed with a heavy backpack and a sharp pencil. The doors slammed shut behind her and, although the princess felt like crying and running home, she put on a brave face for her people and forced herself to go through the day. And it wasn’t so hard. The Princess eagerly searched for her companion Princesses, undertaking their own quests in the same high school. When they found one another at lunch, they rejoiced and there was much feasting on crunchy burritos and crappy pizza.

     After her shame from first year, the princess pushed herself to try new things. She took on harder challenges; She Slayed the Dragon of AP World History, Conquered the Gryphon of AP English and Slashed the Ogre of AP Spanish. She asked out a few Prince Charmings, and even though she was rejected she was proud of her new-found bravery.

     Princess Amy even joined a group of fighters in their legendary quest to reunite the sacred Journalism Crystals. After two years with the band of warriors, she was appointed as their leader and awarded the indelible power of “Editor-in-Chief.”

     Throughout her quest, the Princess made many friends, some of which turned out to be monsters in disguise, but that only made the Princes and Princesses who were truly loyal to her all the more valuable. She descended into the Catacombs of Senioritis, barely making it out alive with the ancient and legendary Holy Diploma. Then she heard talk of the end of her quest, the reward whose identity eluded her all this time. She climbed, slowly but surely, to the highest room in the tallest tower and found the famed Sword in the Stone. Princess Amy was no longer the scared and timid princess she was on her first day of high school, and now she boldly drew the sword from the stone, upon which were inscribed the words “True Self.”