Graduation on Ice

Phillip Peacock

     Picture your graduation. Everyone is standing around the platform. The lights are on. The camera is rolling. You’re skimming up the aisle on your ice skates, smiling and singing your favorite single while the principal congratulates you on your performance via head-set. After your musical number, a random ball bearing your lucky student ID number is drawn, meaning you get to sing again with a big orchestra and the Mormon Tabernacle choir in the background. That’s because in this setting the graduation requirements mandate that no senior shall leave without having fun.

     Or instead of graduation glitz, imagine Prom weekend glamour. An automobile shop lends your class a caravan of limousines, which sets out with the pomp of a presidential parade to a party you’ll never forget. Crystalline strobe lights, dancing floor dilettantes, and mountains of Red Bull. Don’t pass up the chance to show off your karaoke skills on the microphone with over twelve dozen listeners shimmying it up. You certainly didn’t expect this at the end of high school.

     And don’t forget the other random events that made your senior year so exciting. Remember student assemblies where you sat around on bean bags in the auditorium and listened wide-eyed to the instructions spelled out for you. Remember the teachers that truly spoke to you, as you bravely resisted nap-time by hauling out your boom-boxes and stereo-speakers to watch Jeff Lowe live in Dolby Surround Sound on the broadcast. Remember the time you convened a mini United Nations assembly in a Krispy Kreme donut shop to work out Mr. Weems’ life-skills problems. Remember the football games, the basketball games, the smarmy teen games and contests you participated in when there was really nothing else to do. How many pints of rosy apple sauce did you down during lunch?

     Recollect how many times you slept late, only to arrive at school to find the opening act of our bus safety course. To experience bus safety, you were boarded into a lunar module that took lift-off during the video, faster than Tony Stark’s private jet in Iron Man, where you learned all about how to keep safe while riding in the flying school buses of the future. When you got back, everyone got a chance to find Waldo in the crowd outside during the fire drill. And to top things off, you got a chance to explore contemporary music in Economics class, and watched stock prices rise and fall to the tune of Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust.”

      Must I mention the outcome of Cool Look Week? Or “Nice Hat; Thanks” month? Of course, the greatest thing was when you went cross-country skiing on our Olympic-sized obstacle course, with Wolfcast helicopters in the air following the action. Not to exaggerate or change the facts, but senior year just flew by when it became everything you wished for in school.

     Above all, remember what you learned in Macro—that what you may wish for is limitless, but human happiness cannot be measured in free donuts.