How To Lose Your Girlfriend In 5 Gifts

Evan Tormollen

1.     Plastic Jewelry- Why would you spend a lot of money on fancy jewelry when you can have a perfect substitute for a fraction of the cost? Chances are that she probably won’t even notice that the jewelry isn’t real. Even better, when her friends ask her what she got for Valentine’s Day, she can proudly show off her shiny new necklace, and watch her friends become green with envy.

2.     A New Gym Membership- Honestly, could there be a better gift? If your girlfriend is like some girls I know, she probably constantly makes you reassure her that she is in fact not fat, and looks good in what she is wearing. Why not be a thoughtful guy and eliminate the worry from her life? By giving a gym membership, you encourage your girlfriend to go out there and get the body that she really wants.

3.     A Newborn Puppy- Picture this scene. Your girlfriend picks up the wrapped box you gave her, and hears a small whimpering noise. Maybe even a bark or two. She opens it, and, surprise! It’s a puppy! This is almost guaranteed to get your significant other to cry out of joy. And better yet, you don’t have to do anything else past that! She’s the one that gets to take care of the dog you gave her.

4.     Your Left Ear- Let’s be honest guys, this one basically speaks for itself. Nothing says “end-ear-ing love” like removing your left ear and mailing it to your girlfriend.  Look at the last guy who tried this. He ended up being one of the most famous artists of all time.

5.     Convenience Store Flowers (With Price Tag Still On Them)- I saved the best for last with this one. This gift tells your girlfriend that you are compassionate, because you gave her a gift, but also sensible and worried about your finances.