How to throw the perfect holiday party

Eric Van Allen

Every year many people attempt to throw the greatest Christmas party ever conceived. Whether it’s a competition over who has the best lights or who can get the biggest Christmas tree, everyone wants to be the one with the ultimate Christmas display of holiday cheer. But how could someone possibly do such a daunting task?

First, you’re going to need the perfect lights display. If it doesn’t look good on the outside, no one wants to come inside. Decorate the trees, lawn, and anything you can find with lights. Even blades of grass should be outlined in those little bulbs of Christmas joy. But don’t make it all the same kind of lights either! A common mistake is to put up just normal light bulbs and call it done. But a real Christmas party host makes sure their lights are blinking, flashing and strobing and as colorful as a Crayola box. For extra props, put lights on the roof so bright that when someone looks at your house on Google Earth, they can make out “MERRY XMAS” in glowing neon.

Now, inside is where the fun starts. The most important part is the tree. Go to the woods of Vermont, where the gargantuan Rockefeller Tree comes from, and cut you down a nice, healthy, two hundred story tree. While some may say the challenge will be fitting it in the house, the question is why put it in the house? Stick it in the backyard, as a looming backdrop to your masterfully-lit Christmas extravaganza! Now make sure the tree is also gleefully brightened by the bulbs of X-mas, and also get some of the most extravagant ornaments to hang on it. From the simple orb ornament to a happy Santa surfing with Rudolph, your tree should be a fine representation of all that is good about the season of cheer. To top it all off, put a majestic angel or a brilliant star atop the tree’s point, to add that final touch of spirit. Now that tree even makes Santa jealous!

But wait! When the party-goers arrive, what will be there to entertain them? Be prepared with plenty of snacks, such as candy canes and hot chocolate to keep them satisfied, but to add that extra pizzazz, have your waiters dress as sugar-plum fairies. This throwback to a classic Christmas tradition will keep your guests warm with holiday cheer. To add even more flavor to your snacks, elf cooks are renowned for being able to make the best Christmas candies around. While not as famous as their Keebler relatives, their cookies will still wow your guests and get them ready for a night of merriment. Also, ambient music, in the form of Christmas carols being sung by the famous Muppets, is a good soundtrack to have in the background. Their general cheer mixed with the tunes of staples such as “Silent Night” and “Twelve Days of Christmas” will give guests a happy atmosphere to celebrate in. Don’t forget to play a few jolly games as well, such as “Pin the Nose on Rudolph” and “Musical Sleighs”!

Alas, it is time for the Christmas feast, a time of unbuckling your belt and filling your gut with food for the sake of being jolly.

Finally, the end of the night is when you bring out the big stuff. While weather control machines are hard to come by now-a-days, the effect of having it begin to snow at exactly midnight on Christmas Eve will more than make up for the efforts of acquiring one. This “holiday miracle” will be the perfect lead-in to having a Santa come riding in on a reindeer-led sleigh, bearing gifts for all your guests. Whether it be a football for little Jimmy or Ralphie finally getting his Red Rider BB-gun, your party will not soon be forgotten.

The most important part of all, though, is that your guests leave with a feeling of greater purpose and a desire to change the world. While Tiny Tim may not be present at your festivities, any sort of profound saying from a young child along the lines of “God bless us, every one” will leave everyone with a sense of warmth enough to heat the sun. This perfect ending will ensure your holiday success, and guests guaranteed to come again next year.

So I hope that this guide may lead you on your quest to Christmas party perfection, and that this year’s holiday season may be a merry one for each and every one of you. Have fun, and remember: no matter how extravagant the lights, festive the party or expensive the gifts, you will always have to top it the next year. Merry Christmas!