The secret review of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’

Jake Herrick, Reporter

So Kylo Ren, main villain for this movie, is a topic all his own. The. Most. Disappointing. Face. Reveal. Ever. Kylo has an incredibly cool costume, and I say costume because as it turns out Kylo Ren looks like a child. There is an interrogation scene where he reveals the face behind the mask, and this moment for me is the second most underwhelming part of the entire movie. Kylo, arguably the most intimidating looking villain ever to emerge from the Star Wars franchise is a teenage-looking man with daddy issues, I was half expecting Kylo to play Panic! At The Disco before sulking around his prisoner until they asked why he was so sad, only for him to then talk about all these conformist “sheep” clones and how he expresses himself through poetry or something. And surprisingly that is almost what happens, just short of gothy music Kylo is general to a supreme space being, Snoke, that can only remind me of the Thanos from the Marvel series (Marvel star wars crossover confirmed), and he also has a terrible relationship with his father, who we later find out to be Han Solo, because the writers of Star Wars internalize a lot of daddy issues. I can only Imagine George Lucas at the writing for this movie.


“So, we have this evil guy?”

“Yes Mr. Lucas we have an evil guy.”

“Does he have a father.”

“Well yes, but it’s not relevant to the plot really, we kinda just thought we’d make him a sith lord or something.”

“No, that’s no good, make Han be his father.”

“What; why?”

“Because the only valuable villain relationship is the one where the son can brutally kill his father.”


“Have Han be his father, and then have him kill Han.”


“Are you going to argue with the success of the original trilogy?”

“Well, no, I guess not”

“Exactly, now have it be on a walkway.”

“A bit on the nose, we kind of already did that.”

“But this time the son is evil and the father is good.”


“And have something like the Death Star blowing up in the background”


And this was the moment Star Wars became a parody of itself. Same planet destroying system (only bigger!), same on edge commander, and same creepy leader, it’s the original Star Wars just dialed up a notch.


The main character Rey is the same abandoned “Luke” architype. Unlike Luke, however, (and this is going to sound weird) she is a carbon (or should I say carbonite) copy of Han. She is set up from the beginning to have all the knowledge and skills of Han, making it painfully obvious that Han was being replaced. She has the demeanor of Luke (not a very enjoyable or enticing) and the skills of Han, while also wielding Luke’s old lightsaber and the force, so in short, Rey is a female Han with a lightsaber. While Finn is Rey’s tag along with a gun, much like Han Solo while also maintaining a sidekick style of humor, again, like Han Solo.


So did Han Solo receive the correct send off? Eh not really, he was replaced and not so much honored, not the proper appreciation for such a memorable character. Is this better than the original? If you have never seen the original it will be, yes. That is not some sarcastic downplay its my honest response, because much like Jurassic Park, nostalgia is the main component in Star Wars, nostalgia that can not be replicated. Those who have not seen Star Wars in their childhood, first, probably didn’t have a good childhood, and second, don’t have a clear way to judge its success or failure as a sequel. As a standalone I’d give it 9 storm troopers out of 10 (because one is a TRAITOR!) and as a sequel it has earned 7 rebel scum out of 10.