Can you say “Awkward?”

Amberly Tabor

    Family movie night might sound like innocent, harmless fun, but the situation can often become utterly humiliating and mutate into a horror film. If you’re uncertain of what I am referring to, picture this: I squirm in my seat, not knowing the correct reaction to this type of scene that I’m viewing with the people who brought me into this world. It’s the type of scene that shows another couple preparing to bring another person into this world, who will most likely find themselves in the same awkward situation in the years to come. You know what I’m talking about. It’s that type of scene. I’m thinking to myself, “nothing could make this more awkward,” when, suddenly, my parents begin snickering. Snickering! What does this mean? Are they laughing at the movie, or at me? Does this mean I’m supposed to be laughing as well? Should I cover my eyes? Am I going to be punished for viewing such inappropriate material? Should I yell, “Ew! Gross!” and run into the next room? What does one do in this type of situation?

     At the time, I did not know. However, the incident drove me to seriously contemplate what one should do in such a situation.

     This is an area in which all students are struggling to find a mentor; a leader to guide them to the light. Fear not, CPHS! The outcome of all family movie nights to come can be changed with my instructions. Every student can be led from the darkness of the living room and into the light; away from all bad feelings you once felt toward watching movies with your parents. No longer will you have to cower in the corner of the sofa or wish you were invisible. You can extinguish all fear of becoming overwhelmed by the high stress of watching movies with your parents. Welcome to the Guide Regarding Obscene Scenes Seen With Parents (G.R.O.S.S. With Parents).

     When we were younger and less knowledgeable about interactions with the opposite sex, reactions to scenes containing embarrassing material were impulsive. The younger versions of us simply squealed and squirmed in our seats, shouting at Aladdin and Jasmine to stop leaning in towards each other, getting louder when it was quite apparent that they hadn’t heard us. Some of us more radical and dramatic individuals threw popcorn, and sometimes more damaging objects, at the TV, or ran into another room, screaming about our eyes. In either case, we reacted how we did because we thought it was gross. However, as we got older, we forgave Aladdin and Jasmine for committing that horrendous crime right in front of us and eventually began to understand why they did it. The more we began to understand, however, the more we became fearful of how our parents might react if they knew that we knew what they know. In other words,  we were scared that they would find out that we didn’t think it was gross anymore and that some of us have actually dabbled a little in that area. Some people are open with their parents and are able to talk about things openly, and that’s great. However, others worry that their parents might find out about their secret lives and aren’t sure if they can handle the truth. In order to keep our parents ignorant of our knowledge, here are a few tricks to keep them guessing and possibly distract you and/or them from the embarrassing situation at hand.

     Cover your eyes. Make sure to allow a small space for your eye to peek through so that a) you won’t miss the movie b) you won’t miss a second of seeing the visually appealing main character and c) you will appear to your parents curious on the matter of such interactions and therefore will lead them to believe that you know nothing on the subject.

     Pretend to text a friend. Make expressions like it’s an important text, too. Don’t have texting? Pretend that someone is calling you and “take the call” outside.

     Yawn loudly like the scene is boring you. This not only gives you the luxury of closing your eyes, blocking out the view of your parents and, due to the noise, any mushy dialogue coming out of the speakers, but also gives you a foundation for excusing yourself early from the movie to go to bed if more scenes of this nature come up.

     Pick a random object and become fascinated with it. Anything ranging from a bottle of soda or the keys on your key chain to your fingernails, if you’re really that desperate. Your parents may get the impression that you could be in some drug-influenced state-of-mind, but it’s worth the risk of a drug test.

     If in the theatre, drop something and spend the entire length of the scene searching for it. Just don’t accidentally brush against your parents, because then they’ll try to help you find the item and if they find it before the scene is over, you’ll have to suffer for the remaining time.

     Voice to the world how much the scene disgusts you. Not only will you successfully appear to have the immaturity of an eight year-old, but you’ll be able to fool your parents into thinking you know no more on the subject than you did when you were an immature and innocent eight year-old.

     Go to the restroom. Remember to tell them to continue watching the movie, however, or you may come back a few minutes later to find the screen paused and inevitable suffering awaiting you.

     If all else fails, suddenly “remember” that you have an all-important assignment due soon. Your parents can’t protest because we all know that your grades are possibly the most important things on their mind and you can excuse yourself from the rest of the movie, avoiding all other possible embarrassing situations that might have occurred if you didn’t.

     Although we are informed about these awkward scenes by MPAA ratings, they can never explain the full extent of how excruciating it can be to withstand the mortification we are guaranteed to experience when viewing these scenes with parents. However, if the situations continue to arise, remember that you do have the choice to just say no to the movies that look suspicious and play it safe with Wall-E or another kid-approved movie instead.