A microcosm of your facebook friends

Beth Rozacky

     Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past couple years, you’ve probably heard of a little web site called Facebook. A vast majority of the web-literate populace may even have a modest profile somewhere in the midst of the great worldwide web. In constructing your own slice of web heaven, you’ve allowed yourself to experience the wonderful world of social networking. Think of the friends you’ve reconnected with! Think of all those groups you’ve joined!  This is the safe haven into which you have posted you inner most thoughts, wittiest comments and snazziest pictures. It is from this optimum vantage point that you have kept up with your world and all the people who play a part in it. However, trouble is brewing (as trouble often does) on Facebook. Like me, you’ve probably noticed a recurring host of characters that seem to interact with you on a daily basis. These rather annoying folk are usually seen filling up various home pages with pointless updates, quiz and group invites and pictures of unfamiliar people. Through some unfortunate twist of fate these monkeys have become your online friends. They most likely fit into one of these groups.

     1. The Social Commentator:

     This is the friend who always manages to make a comment on all of your posts, pictures, and updates. Their brand of social commentary doesn’t need to be witty, or even marginally intelligent. They just want you, and the rest of the world, to know their highly relevant and thought provoking opinions. Even if that opinion is “hey dude, sweet pic!”

     2. The Site Stalker:

     These shady little boogers probably won’t be bombarding you with comment after comment every second of every day.  You might not even converse all that much face to face. But, when they do seek out conversations with you, a tiny miniscule fact from your profile or past posts is bound to be brought up. It may be something small, like how you told everyone you had a bad day on Thursday, or maybe something funny you said two weeks ago. At this point, you know they’ve been cruising your profile. You don’t know why they do it, but it’s creeping you out a little bit.

     3. The Serial Photographer:

     This set of friends never miss an opportunity to pull out their handy-dandy camcorders and snap an endless string of pictures. These aspiring documenters treat every event like a life-changing incident that must be captured for posterity’s sake. It’s not until the day after said event that you notice five hundred new tagged photos of you in all your dilapidated glory. How did they even get that one of you at that party last weekend? The world may never know for sure, but that won’t stop everyone in the whole wide web from seeing those pictures.

     4. 2 cool 4 Grammar:

     “Hey erbody! Ok tomoro is gunna be soooooooo awshum! cant wate ;)” For these language abusers, a comment like this isn’t out of the ordinary. Punctuation and basic syntax are seemingly lost on this friend.  I’m well aware that the courtesies of online conversation are vastly different than in the real world. However, this blatant disregard for any form of grammar, even in its most primitive form, is truly baffling. This friend doesn’t see the harm in throwing up on a keyboard and posting this kind of drabble for others to see. This friend sees no harm in dragging down your IQ with every misspelled word and smiling icon.

     5. The Short Fuse:

     This friend can be set off by the most mundane of annoyances; any commonplace irritation becomes a launching pad for this firecracker to unleash a long avalanche of hate onto anyone that will listen. Do you care? Do you sympathize? Doesn’t matter. Get ready for a long stream of ugly headed your way in the form of the whiniest note or blog entry you’ve ever seen.

     6. The Mind Moocher:

     “Anybody do the Chem. homework?” “What’s due tomorrow in English?” These posts make up the majority of the comments you’ll see from this parasitic friend. This wonderful mooch is the one who is always clamoring for homework help at 1:12 am; and can’t seem to figure out what they should be doing. You’ll know you have one of these lovely characters on your friend list if you constantly feel like someone else’s personal agenda.

     7. The Lobbyist for the Pity Party:

     This tortured soul has the world set against them. Every day is a challenge to make it through all trials set before them. If only some kind soul would recognize their efforts. You’ll know this friend by the long string of vaguely depressing status updates and posts. All they want is for you to comment back and offer them a little solace for all their pain. They want you to notice them and are seeking love and attention in the form of pity and warm-fuzzies. Beware of this member of the pity party. An innocent comment of “What’s wrong?” is all the invitation they need to unload their oh-so-important problems onto you.

     8. The Wasteland:

     Do you even know who these people are? You don’t recognize half of the names when they pop up. You’ve probably never even talked or interacted with any of them in the real world. Why are they your friends again?

     9. Your Mom:

     Yeah, she’s pretty cool. She’ll probably be the one leaving you nice little wall posts and telling you to take down those pictures of you at the beach last Spring Break.


*This story was inspired by Brandon Griggs story on CNN.com